In a single,flashing,heartbeat.

Threads of love,

2012-01-23T10:46:00.000-08:00

okay so whats new is that I quitted my horrible job!!! hahhaha so happy ^^ Its cny already also, hmmm, it just gets more boring each year for me. It's not a big thing in my family now so yeah just had a simple dinner with my cousins today and tomorrow will be visiting my dad's side of family which is yeah, not chinese haha. So there's really not much hype to my cny :(

anyhoo I'm seriously stuck in some jet lag mood, there's like no break to my holiday since o'levels ended so it completely doesn't feel like a new year or new start thing and I can't believe around next week Im gonna have that "new start". haha I feel such mixed feelings for everything right now but the feelings are too jumbled up to put into words... hmm I guess I better just enjoy this week ( haha one of the many reasons as to why I quit my job) before I have to switch back to school mode and school life which equals to waking up effing early everyday and studying and caring about things I started to stop caring a few months back where school stopped lol.

I found out the truth when I didn't even have enough courage to accept it. but I guess its better this way, at least now I can move on. but its so painful, just the thought itself of moving on...I really hate it when I get like this, but I guess it'll all pass and you'll be gone from this tight fit space in my heart reserved for you.

Always you,

2012-01-18T10:05:00.000-08:00

pathetic xiao long bao -.-

dinner@work! ^.^

lol just some pics from here,there and everywhere. hmm, its my third day of work and Im already hating my job like crazy and I just hate how working environments are always so bitchy, everyone's like two faced,manipulative and competing with each other. bet even if I'm working a better job in future, it's still gonna be like this because....this is the real world? lol welcome me to reality.

oh wells, just about one more week and this job can kiss goodbye to me! just about one more week and Im gonna start school too. ugh, everything is happening so fasttt.

I don't deserve so much from you and you don't deserve so little from me.

2012-01-14T08:22:00.000-08:00

after so long, you finally realised and truth be told, its not too late yet. but I guess its time for me to go, and time for you to find a little more of yourself that you've wasted so much time lost and confused.but... It just sucks; knowing that I will not be able to be there for you anymore in ways that I want to and used to be able to, and what sucks more? The fear I feel....the fear that you wouldn't be there anymore for me too and that its by choice. but even if so, I'd be content if I can be assured that you'll remember me in a way I hope you would ; someone who didn't treat you like how the rest did.

You my love are gone,

2012-01-12T21:19:00.000-08:00

ok I know pictures are of damn lousy quality but that's because it was taken with my lousy nokia phone lol. anyways, I'm really gonna miss work with u two!! :( hahaha am starting a new job on this coming monday of which Im gonna be working alone and um, just not looking forward to it. haha I can remember us whining about quitting on the first day of work and I remember hating it alot etc. but somehow we ended up working there for one whole month and stacked up on a whole lot of funny encounters. and of cuz after work where we will just sit at the rooftop and chat for hours and watch "flying cars" LOL and the time we trekked through mud and all to have supper! ok fine enough ranting here; I sometimes really hate how I don't have little attachment to stuff/things/people.

anyways I submitted my application form for schools already, hmm actually I'm okay with wherever I go cuz I know I will still end up liking any school! I just hope starting over won't be too hard :)

Sometimes what we think we really want we don't.

Sometimes what we think we want we really don't.

Sometimes what we think we love we don't.

2012-01-11T05:13:00.000-08:00

hope everything will eventually work itself out.

Empty Frames

2012-01-05T07:20:00.000-08:00

Its 2012 already! hahaha doesn feel like a brand new year at all. Maybe cuz Im currently not going to school so it just feels like the holidays haha. well, just got back from my class chalet this morning of which I spend ten hours night cycling ( from 8pm to five effing am in the morn -.-) my whole body is all sore and ache now, like I've never even ache this badly before from dance :( but it was a different experience I guess, in a good way. hahaha I guess after this chalet its really goodbye to 3e/4e! I'll remember the good times in this class! :)

anyhoo I really miss work,and all the hanging out after work with Yy and Aveline! and I miss the awesome freezing chilly cold weather in Korea and Shanghai too! haha just got back from there like one day ago. lol so much have happened in 2011, I haven't fully got a grip on all that has took place and it's already 2012. like what everyone says, time really flies! and though I'm not one to really put much thought into new year resolutions, lest to say try to keep to them ( lol I cant even rmb my resolutions for last year) but for this year, I shall just keep it simple. My resolution is not to make the same mistakes I did in 2011. since its a new year, new start and new school soon, I just don't wanna have the same regrets anymore :)

Lock up the memories,

2011-12-25T10:24:00.000-08:00

its 2.08 am now! hahhaha its no longer xmas alr but oh wells,I had a nice merry little xmas this year!

lol Im so damn tired these days actually, my eyes are definitely gonna grow more wrinkles~~~shall start saving up for eye anti ageing cream that I'll probably have to spend on when I get older! HAHA ok Im just kidding. lol Im so tired now that this post is just gonna be complete utter rambling.

anyways Im just updating this space because I sorta left it to die. lol I always thought after o's my blog will be very happening and I will not be one lazy girl that I usually am and update it often. LOL how wrong can I get.

hahhahaa btw Im kinda excited becuz tomorrow is my last day before I fly off for my holiday! okay but honestly, Im damn lazy to pack my stuff for the holiday. Im always lazy to pack for holidays!! or camps or anything that requires me to stay overnight. how I sometimes wish someone would make a to bring list for me everytime I need to pack stuff for such things and I would just tick off the items off the list!

lol this post is seriously rubbish hahaha. I think Im gonna miss working too! :( spent an entire month and I sorta grew attached to the people and job. maybe I'll consider going back to work when I get back from my holiday and if my o'level results doesn't do like crap!cuz then I'll probably be grounded or crying my eyes out everyday hahhahah

ALRIGHT, I shall stop rambling now and pack my freaking messy room now cuz my friend is coming over tomorrow. lol yeah Im actually a very messy girl but I like to act neat. although Im actually quite neat and organized by nature I think!sounds contradicting but I think most people are like this, no?

ok byebye!! :)

Thoughts

2011-12-11T07:42:00.000-08:00

it just feels so wrong.

maybe it was wrong of me to keep believing that things will get better, and maybe it was wrong of me to start believing a little more each time I feel like things are getting better. but then I felt like it was wrong of me too, to be realisitc and let go then. because if I did, it would mean letting go of what I thought was my true and sincere feelings. letting go of people you truly care for just cause things start going wrong, just cause you start to feel the distance bridging itself between you and those people and just cause for the simple reason that you feel its time to let go and not hold on for the better of everyone is like almost saying youre giving up, on those people and everything between you and them. either way, nothing was or is easy and it all just feels so wrong. why did things turn out this way? I often wonder. I hate people who indulge themselves in pathetic thoughts like " if I disappear then everything would be better", " my existence is just simply worth nothing" etc. but slowly, these thoughts are creeping themselves into my head, ugh.

okay sorry just needed a space to rant everything out and get these thoughts out.of.my.head. k its time for me to sleep, need to wake up early for work tml. goodnight!

Cross the endless seas,

2011-12-05T06:35:00.000-08:00

I know Im sucha loser but heres my loser confession then : I can't help thinking of my o'level results. I wonder if my papers are currently being marked by the examiner now or if the papers have already been marked and if my fate is already sealed. lol, I have never worried so much for grades before. but I really don't want to screw this up...yeah like who wants to haha.

life is currently still work work work. but in a weird way, Im starting to like work :) still, I hope I can meet up soon and catch up on life and everything with some people! afterall, its the last month of 2011. time to tie up loose ends and enjoy the last bit of what's left of this year.

"burn it down till the embers smoke on the ground and start new again when my heart is an empty room with walls of the deepest blue. "

xxx

before it all ends,

2011-11-30T08:08:00.000-08:00

ages ago at marina barrage!

hahahaha we all look so young sucking on our popsicles here :P

syf! kinda sorta miss it!

uss! :)

haha I miss seeing u two in school everyday!

miss u babe!!

hahaha with jinga at ikea!

okay lameass post of some polaroids Ive created with the polaroid app my sis introduced to me hahaha. anyhoo,today is sucha BAD work day ugh.but well, at least my days are gonna be preoccupied with work and not by wasting time away.... aah I cannot wait for the weekends!! It'll be time to finally go out and enjoy myself ^^ hahahha and pats back for myself for surviving one whole week of work too LOL. alrights, need to sleep now! bye!

Better than this,

2011-11-25T21:55:00.000-08:00

okay so much for wanting to blog regularly, as it turns out Im still too damn lazy to update religiously hahaha. but will update this space soon lo :) aah I still have prom pics to upload onto fb!

anyways, life has been currently quite boring for me despite me going out almost everyday.but... somehow I just feel very bored with it?! hmm, but still, I guess this beats studying and longggg, boring days at school haha.

okay, tata till when I update! :)

perhaps there are just somethings that I'll never comprehend and some people that I'll never understand. wondering in circles has left me feeling more distant with people than ever, and wishing I knew the answers that could make or break me to some questions is tiring. so forget it, I'll leave things simple like this. afterall, I think Im quite a simple person :) yes... sorted out my thoughts on everything already.

2011-11-20T05:48:00.000-08:00

./ sometimes..... some people are more beautiful if you know them only for a certain period of time.
   The more I get to know you, the more I start to see who you really are and the more I doubt myself. I'm starting to doubt my ability to accept people wholeheartedly, or rather, people who I have spend a given amount of time with and got to really know and understand and feel that I can accept the person just for who he/she is. but.... now Im starting to feel myself building up the walls between me and you and I start to question myself on whether thats right of me and whether if it is all my fault. My fault that I'm not putting in enough effort to accept you and pardon all your flaws. and I wonder too, if you have ever done the same for me or if you would.
   I just wish things can go back to before, not that theres anything bad going on between us now. but I just miss the past feelings, those feelings of me willing to be there for you through everything with the silent knowing that you'd do the same for me
   I don't know where the problem lies; if you changed, if I just never really knew you, if I have changed or things have just changed between us with time. I just know...that if we started drifting apart about one year ago, what I think of you now would be entirely different. so yeah, Im starting to think that there are some people who are really meant to just come into our lives for a while and then go before things start changing for the worse /.

Reason for my smile,

2011-11-17T08:21:00.000-08:00

okay shall blog regularly now that Im kinda free and theres no more studying or exams whatsoever. Lol still haven't get used to just being totally free~ actually!

anyhoo Im seriously running out of cash, my savings have depleted by like a few hundreds?! omgosh money really does fly away. so yeah, even though Im damn reluctant to get a job ( haha yeah I kinda just wanna enjoy my life after o's) but guess its about time I start job scouring and get myself one! :)

haha ok this whole para is just random crapping actually LOL.

anyhoo, yesterday....

went swimming! :)

and kboxing! lol sorry no pictures of us singing cuz yeah well, too engrossed in singing? Haha!

but yes, it was a day well-spent with friends yesterday! :)

gonna go prom dress shopping tomorrow! I hope I find a suitable dress and wells, I just hope prom won't turn out to be a failure this year since its gonna be held in school?! sigh, even my primary school graduation was held in a proper ballroom. okay fine, looking on the bright side,maybe holding it in school will give it a nostalgic-ish feel! hahaha

alrightt, short post here:) update more soon! bye!

Like a carnival ride in the rain,

2011-11-15T10:01:00.000-08:00

hell yeah olevels is over already!!!! -inserts one thousand smiley faces-!!!!

hahaha ok la, Im exagerrating. Cuz I do know it myself that I didn't study alot for it, nor did I give it my best effort. so Im really, really not looking forward to dooms day aka collecting my o'level results day. plus, its only during o'levels itself did I actually realise how MUCH I really don't want to disappoint,don't want to screw up,don't want to get a shit L1R5 etc. aye a little too late to have a wake up call? hahah

but wells, it is over and its not like as if Im the kind to mull and brood over it. so yeah, I shall not talk about it anymore :) anywayss, friends came over my house today and we played with my curler and all.....

hahhaha explains the curly wurly hair in the pics above! anyhoo, curling hair is SO DIFFICULT!! Lol if I have straight hair and ever want curly hair badly I think I will just perm my hair and save all the trouble of curling each and every lock of hair with the curler. anyway random but I find that my hair always feels so much smoother( like really silky smooth) after it is curled! lol!

okay dokes short post here! shall tuck in now, need to wake up early for my dental tomorrow -.-

byebye!

I try to shut out all the thoughts from my mind, but the more I do that...the more Im just so fcking confused. I need someone to just tell me what to do. someone who can really understand how I feel and tell me what's best for me to do. I will seriously heed trustworthy advice at this point.

When theres nothing left,

2011-11-05T08:28:00.000-07:00

some pics taken over this year! To be very very honest, when I look at some of the pictures, I can't really remember what happened. This year really just kind of flew past me, with all the days blurring into one whole mass of just....days. I can only remember some periods of my life this year, namely the "syf" period and probably my most miserable period, the study break period -.-

wellsss, I guess it doesn't matter if I remember them with much clarity or not, cuz they're still my memories to keep.....my memories which I'll start missing a year later. My memories which will probably hit me someday out of nowhere, with utter clarity of what took place and how I used to feel in the past. lol I sound like Im predicting the future. but yeah, this feeling actually kind of sucks; to know you'll miss how things used to be in just a matter of time.

okay I know I said I wouldn't blog till life is more interesting but I spent the whole day at home and Im just SO.BORED. should have made plans to go out! arghh, I think I shall go watch gossip girl now LOL. can't even remember the storyline since I last stopped watching a year ago, but nevermind, shall start from the first episode then :)

I know I can't keep safe something thats meant to break...but knowing still doesnt prevent me from trying to do so.

xxx

Love save the empty,

2011-11-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

omg I've actually got through this whole week without feeling too stressed or breaking down hahaha.
yeah Ive only got three more papers to go and then o'levels is gonna be O.V.E.R. for me!!!
lol but still, I know I wont be able to dispel the nagging feeling that I did like shit for it for at least awhile :(

anyways its been exactly a month since I've last blogged and laid my hands on this spoiling shitass laptop of mine haha. lol nothing much to blog actually, life is currently still uninteresting. so tata! blog again when my life gets more fun and interesting after olevels officially ends :)

the more I try, the less it's working.... between the lines, thats where I am; between hello and goodbye.

I miss you already

2011-10-04T10:45:00.000-07:00

hungry,damn effing hungry. :( but its 1.38am now so I know I should resist the urge to gooble up all the chocolates in my fridge. k maybe I'll go drink a cup of milk to fill myself up after this lame post. sigh,I wanted to study today but I ended up sleeping for hourSSSS the moment I reached home. hmm, may tomorrow be more productive? I think I havent studied for so long....that I forgot what its like to even study, lest to say mug like hell. so little days and Im still so unmotivated!

okay all the more I shouldn't be blogging and should end off the post here.... bai! :)

If I aint got you guys,

2011-10-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

alright so graduation ceremony came and went and here are some of the pictures taken that day that I ripped off facebook!

At eighteen chefs for class lunch! :)

my fellow partner as being class chair! :D

hahaha the graduation ceremony was pretty boring as expected!

rachel, florine, jinga and me :)

with aaron! haha just realised hes been classmate with me for three years in a row 0.0

baby chin!

hahaha yunxuan's no.1 face! :P

Jinga ninjaaaaa !

my block group people! haha a few days ago there was some newspaper collection cip and omgoshh, it was hell tiring collecting all the newspaper!

lol there is alot more than just what is shown in the pics below but yeah, it was like a HUGEEEE mass of junk. hmmm, but I think it was quite meaningful :) really worth it to know that my class raised 2000++ dollars just by collectin all the newspapers! and I think that was the day I really saw 4e's class spirit too :) how everyone were helping each other out even though we were all very tired!

Loveeeee 3e'10, 4e'11!

^ and to the people who I'll never forget no matter what :)

alright so the pics doesnt show all six of us hence decided to end the post with this pic! LOL I don't even know when I edited this pic but I found it in my com just now so might as well post it here :)

Tho we all got closer to each other at different points of times and got to know each other in such different ways but at the end of the day,we somehow just became one group of close friends:)I don't think words can suffice to say how much u guys mean to me but you're the people who definitely played the hugest part in my ahs school life, and I really wouldn't mind doing another four years all over again.I remember it all too....the time we ate burnt popcorn at Jinga's house, the times we played frisbee in the pool, the morning chats in the canteen, the superdog days and sooooo much more. I have so many different memories with each and every one of y'all,and in a way, I feel like my friendship with each one of u is different too. but I know I love u guys all the same ^^ ok ok i know this IS NOT farewell so this para is kinda redundant but yeah, just wanna say thank u and I love u guys long time! <3
xxx

Here Comes Goodbye,

2011-09-29T10:26:00.000-07:00

hi world, its 1.04 am and I have to wake up early tomorrow but wells, just feel like posting something here.....

tomorrow is my graduation ceremony, YES I CANT BELIEVE IT, I'm graduating from this school!!!!

& I realise, this space has accompanied me throughout my four years in AHS,through the times when I was a noobish secondary one student, to now, when Im much older and wiser (I hope? ;))
haha well, I'm sure if I were to look through my archives, most of what I typed in this space will still be my true thoughts. I have never really regretted anything I've done in this school, and Im still so grateful to meet my friends, my friends who have accepted me, who listened to my crap,who did stupid stuffs with me, who put in that extra effort and sincerity to understand me and who's been through the roller caoster ride of frienship with me :)

thank you guys for that, I've learnt and grew up so much and so have you guys ( though you guys are still the LAMEST ppl Ive ever known!hehehe) and I know Im being emotional and its not like as if its farewell forever, but it is afterall bye to all the long days of sitting in classes that were made bearable by my friendssss ^.^
it is bye to all the recesses, all the outings and lunches after school days together,bye to secondary school life. I do remember everything,in fact its the little bit of everything that adds up to the countless of memories I share with my awesome friendsss <3 wells, in fact this is not just to the people I usually hang with but everyone who I ever been close or still am from ahs ;)
I'll definitely miss everything....and I 'll definity rememeber everything too ( DUH! LOL).

okay on a different note, its 23 days to olvels? I am stressed, I am worried, and I am convinced Im gonna flunk it or do like shit for it. maybe if I put in more effort, I could at least save myself from the guilt sinking into me now. oh wellz, its not like as if I can rewind time now too. sigh sigh sigh,its not like as if I can give up at this point too. gonna try my best to save my sorry ass then hahhaha. and I really hope, that I won't disappoint those who have believed in me, okay actually its just mainly one person- my mom. so yeah, although there is so little time left, but I hope that this olevel examination will be the best one Im gonna sit for thus far in my life.

alrightssss, gonna go sleep now :) bye world!

maybe in another life... :)

Kiss Goodbye,

2011-09-11T09:06:00.000-07:00

UGH. school is reopening tomorrow :( but I know this is my last three weeks of school before my study break, so I shall cherish this little bit of school time left yeah? :)

yeah I remember....it was at this period of time last year where I busy juggling practices for mid autumn dance, dance for graduation day for sec 4s (of which it got cancelled -.-) and my studies and just everything else. I miss it. Though that period was really kinda tough for me but it was actually kind of my most memorable period of last year's! lazy to go into details but everything that happened then is really still so vivid and lucid in my mind. zoom past a year later and I feel so different about everything now.

lol but yeah,even a fool knows that feelings will change with different circumstances and with time.

okay dokay, o'levels is really going to come so soon. so I just hope......that I'll wisen up and really FOCUS and no more fail study sessions for me plz! haha like today's :P

just felt like posting some pics here to liven up this dull post. okay I know I said I wouldn't blog anymore but this post was supposed to be on my sweetest sixteenth <3 hehee....but yeah Imma lazy bum so update another time! leaving this space alone for awhile since my laptop is like some dying robot now which makes it highly annoying to use when it hangs on everything.

bye cyber sphere!

the past can only be accepted.. and I think...that after so long, Im finally starting to really let go and accept the past; the mistakes, the hurt, the pain and all the emotional turmoil I experienced. gonnna put it all away and move on :)

I realised that healing really takes time, but above that it takes an individual's effort to do so too.

thank you God <3.

the broken faith that I was trembling on has been renewed, and the love you've given me has once again encompassed me.

ceextween!

2011-09-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

okay my laptop has some problem so I cant type anything on my facebook wall -.- hence, shall use this space to thank everyone even though some of them may not read this but wells, at this moment I just need a space to express my gratitude! ;)

it was honestly the sweetest and biggest surprise I've ever got in my entire life. so, thank you to everyone in the photo and all my family members, because you guys really made me feel like sucha lucky, beloved and blessed girl today! :) <3
thanks EVERYBODY! :)
yeah I'll blog more about it soonnnnnnnnn!

xxx

Caught in emotion and Im overcome,

2011-09-02T10:28:00.000-07:00

It'd be a lie if I said I was okay with leaving my friendships behind. lol I stumbled onto this slideshow in my laptop I made in 2009 of my memories with my friends and yeah the usual, while watching it halfway I started tearing up. because my friends have always been with me through my growing up, I didn't realise how much I or them grew up. I miss it all. All the childish things we did,the pranks we would play on each other, the many things we'd planned to do together but never fulfill, stashing up on our hopes and dreams.... yes I miss all my friends already, even though we're still friends hahaha.

I have always wish to be someone who had little attachments to things, no not like the cold and mean type of person who doesnt put her heart into anything but just someone who can move on when its time to move on. but I guess I'd never be one of those people, cuz at the end of the day everything does matters to me and it always takes up a place in my heart.

yeah its currently 1am and there is always something about the peace and quiet of this kinda time that makes people want to put out their true thoughts.

anyways, like what everyone is saying, this is the last lap towards O'levels. and I can't kid myself, I have not been mugging my ass off like what I really should to make up for all my lost time. in other words, I have just wasted my education away. I feel pathetic. but feeling pathetic is of no use....so this laptop shall be chucked aside for now. and everytime I feel miserable I'll start blogging at this space too. I need to learn how to shut out my problems and stop dwelling on them,gotta be stronger than this.

hence, me shall refrain from blogging from quite awhile. Perhaps I'll blog again when I have something happy to blog bout my life LOL.

K im off to catch more sleep, bye!

xxx

Blowing out my mind,

2011-09-01T09:39:00.000-07:00

friends came over today and we played taiti and Jenga for about three hours straight, haha good lyf yeah!

anyways it went in this order for about eight or ten rounds i think? Karmz's the king, nana's the queen, jinga's the commoner and me the asshole sobzzzz.

I swear Karmz is damn good at taiti but nevermind, I'll own her someday! hahaha despite my losing streak today :P

and then me and Karmz took some pretty crazy videos after Jinga and nana left which also reminded me of the crazy rapping and dress up sessions with Jinga and Vans last year. I seriously crack up everytime I watch our rapping video! :D

okay actually I just did a post on an update of past events but then I realise Im too lazy to update on everything, (in fact I only updated on three events lol) so nevermind, I shall just post pics on fb when I have enough time and energy to do so hahaha.

anyways, its spetember already! I can't believe everything is gonna end so quickkkkk. I'm sure Im not the only one wishing time would slow down, cuz I already know that I will miss this lyf and the people so much without even tapping into my memories and letting the feelings of nostalgia sink into me. Each day is a day closer to o'level which also means a day closer to graduating from this school. Im just not ready to close this chapter of my life........

okay dokes its 12.30 am and I really should stop ranting.

ciao~ !

"Just like a star across my sky,Just like an angel off the page,You have appeared to my life,Feel like I'll never be the same.Just like a song in my heart,Just like oil on my hands,Honour to love you." but I know,despite everything, Im strong enough to let go of you. I gave it all up before and I will once again, for good.

My shallow heart's the only thing thats beating,

2011-08-31T08:48:00.000-07:00

At OCS ( officer cadet school) today!

okay the green thingy on my face(camo creme) was actually quite nice smelling~

anyways, prelims is finally over.

Fourteen papers down!!!!!

and yeah,I know my L1R5 this time is gonna be crap but I just hope I wont be too disheartened by it!

okay I better go write all my Teachers day cards soon too. haha I actually didn't want to get any presents for my teachers this year but then I realised that this is my last year in this school, so I decided this year Im gonna write more meaningful cards too instead of the usual cliche cards I write for teachers lol.

and yes, Im sooo damn effing tired. I havent got a real good sleep in ages! but what to do, even my brain has been wired into sleeping at random odd hours here and there such that every single night at 2am Im still twisting around in my bed wide awake :(

♥
isn't fisheye effect quite cool? I think I shall get a fisheye cam! :)

it really hurts....

and I realised that after so long, no, I still don't get you.
xxx

Before its goodbye,

2011-08-16T04:26:00.000-07:00

first two papers of today sucked, my handwriting was pure illegible.

I hope geography paper tomorrow will be much better. lol in actual fact, I still haven't grasped that THIS IS MY PRELIMS....like its the last exams before o'levels.

so, I should start getting on my serious mood . kkk hope this is my last blog post till prelims end haha cuz the computer is always sucha distraction.

byebye!

"and nothing kills more than to know than this is the end of the road

and i know i gotta let go. "

I do wish that I have enough strength to let go.

still. even though things have changed, what stayed the same is how much it all meant to me, just knowing that I would go the distance to make it last.

xxx

2011-08-15T03:27:00.000-07:00

at festival of praise...which was awesome :)

its 6.21 pm and Im feeling so shitty now. prelims is starting tomorrow, and yes its lasting every.single.day. till the end of August. Im not prepared for it at all. once prelims is over, it means o'levels real soon too.

I honestly don't know how my hand is gonna write out a composition and a piece of situational writing tomorrow and two essays for social studies when my brain is utterly dead now and probably will still be tomorrow.

Today is somewhat the last day of school for August too, meaning no more sitting in class for long hours listening to teachers talk,no more camwhoring with karmz iphone during lessons, no more laughter, no more stoning whatsoever....ok I sound retarded but Im actually gonna miss it ;(

alright.

I should just pull myself together and get my ass down to some serious studying....

I never wanted to be a third party nor cause misery to anyone.

but I also never wanted to hurt this much just for that.

and Im starting to wonder, who is to draw the line between right and wrong?

sweet confetti of love

2011-08-03T04:52:00.000-07:00

soccer with class girls during pe today was superly fun! hehe although we looked like a bunch of crazy girls screaming and chasing after a ball, but wellz, IT WAS FUN! :)

okay fine Im not supposed to be using my laptop but I saw my charger lying on top my pile of books and I just couldn't resist ;) but nevermind, short post here! its imperative to not be using my laptop now and to be more focused. bye!

people will always disappoint. so I should learn to forget..... but I just can't help wishing it'd didnt have have to turn out this way. because it still hits me some days out of nowwhere, where I'd think of the past....and realised how different I felt back then.
but well, I'll forget about all this. cherish everything before its too late to do so.

A million miles away,

2011-08-02T06:05:00.000-07:00

I am starting to crumble under the colossal pressure.

but I guess Im not the only one feeling this way right now.

then again...I get stressed up very easily so maybe its just me, I don't know.

To begin with, I never really had any aims,so its not as if Im working towards acheiveing some dream L1R5. I just know that I want to have tried my utter best at the end of it.

sigh...so I might as well start putting in some effort.

I know its not always right to treat people back the same way they shittily treated you, because eventually it'd just end up with both parties being annoyed with each other. and I've tried my hardest not to do the same to you as what you did unto me. but somehow,I really wish that oneday I'd be spiteful enough to treat you back that same way.

for now, I'd just go on telling myself its only proper for me to treat people, which includes you, right.

Going off track with this love,

2011-07-26T05:33:00.000-07:00

Racial Harmony!!

hehehe yeap, I have always wished to have a class where everybody would dress up together on racial harmony and it happened this year! haha actually the whole sec 4s were very hyped up about it and everybody was dressing up :)

anywayss,love 4e! fun day in my mundane school life hahaha

and yes, I wore a sari....which was a (kinda) bad idea actually, the sari cloth is six yards long..can you imagine how many times I had to wrap the thing around myself?! hahah yes I was in discomfort the entire day and I have a newfound respect for indians who religiously wear their saris out on a daily basis!

butt, it was still fun dressin up in it! :)

on another note,although the whole celebration thing was fun but racial harmony in itself got me thinking too, especially after I heard the news on the recent norway attacks. here I am worrying about whether I have enough cash to buy myself the things I wanted for so long and on the other part of the world, there are people, the same age as me, who just lost his/ her family members, all thanks to extremism and some idoit's spur to violence to make known his cause -.-

honestly, how is the world going to achieve racial harmony when even things that oppose terrorism ( the act of causing violence and widespread terror) causes widespread fear and hostility?

okay this isn't meant to make me sound like a cynic cause yes, I still have hope that global peace is achieveable and I just hope that this never-ending cycle of destruction will stop. It really diminishes my problems after I hear such news, which I guess is good every once in a while to give myself a reality check that there's a bigger world out there with much,much bigger problems.

okay dokes,just needed to get that out of me.

anyways, prelim 3 is just 3 weeks away! ( haha that kinda rhymes)

so yes,better not waste time on computer!

bye!

thank you, for being the first to meant it when you said you'd be here for me.

as always, Im left with nothing but gratefulness towards you :)

Too late for the other side, caught in a chase

2011-07-18T06:59:00.000-07:00

Ballet under the stars was more like ballet under the rain LOL.

buttt,it was a really memorable night!

<3 you guys :) blog more about everything some other time!

anyways, I finally got my hands on my laptop for the first time since about a week?

aah, school.life.is.very.stressful.

and I don't really feel like blogging too,but just thought since I fnally got to use my laptop, might as well make a post haha

sorry.

I don't know how some people do it...they just settle everything in the best possible way, and always so maturely.

but I guess Im not one of those people, no matter what I do, everything always screws up.

and this time, Im solely to blame. I shouldn't have let anything start.

so sorry.

but,if what I predict turns out to be true, I promise I will make things good then and take away all the bad.

sounds like Im talking crap, but I've been sorry about this for quite awhile.....and I've no where else but to express it here.

p.s I need to start getting motivated. history is repeating over and over again.

when will I ever change? when will I ever be hardworking? when will I ever start completing all my homework? sobzz

Your beautiful ending

2011-07-09T06:25:00.000-07:00

Am so tired from having tuitions the whole of today ( ok actually its just two tuitions haha I make it sound like as if Im jam packed with tuitions) but wellz, my mental stabillity isn't all that good I guess. yes I tire easily!

butt, Im sure a better & more fun week is lying ahead of me :) I swear my life is so mundane that even watching a movie or eating something good would make me one happy girl already! hahahah
so yes, Im excited for all the events coming up next week hehehe.

okay blogging crap. shall go bathe now then couch potato my time away :)

All that is left is a beautiful mess,

2011-06-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

hehehe

My school choir is really made up of a bunch of talented ppl! :)

:)
Just felt like posting some pics here! 2011 has been quite eventful actually hahaha.
alright, shall leave this space alone for at least awhile. School life is coming back soon afterall and yes, Im not looking forward to the hectic school life ahead of me but well, just a few more months of AHS school life. so I guess, I better appreciate what I have now before time makes me appreciate what I had.
I know I will miss it! ;)
byebye!

I couldn't have asked for more... :)
Thank you <3
xxx
-

Lights will guide you home and waves will carry you out,

2011-06-22T07:06:00.000-07:00

This holiday has really been way too fast,and I really mean FAST. I don't even know how one month flew past me and I hate it when months just seem to come and end before I know it. June has got to be the fastest month for me in this year so far.

/ I don't feel like conversing with anyone. maybe everything's just so bottled up already, I can't even find the words to choke everything out.
I feel like ignoring all my smses ( sorry to those people who my replies took like five hours or more) but I honestly just feel like shutting myself entirely off from the world, for just one.entire.day.
not having to worry about whos contacting me, who I have to pretend to be fine to, what I have to do, if I am wasting my time away or not. I think wanting this is very morbid, just wanting my existence to be completely vanished for one day or maybe even more than that.

putting aside that, it hit me today too, more real and harder than it has ever.
well.............. I won't lose my faith just like this. Through all the lies, pretence, wasted efforts, and unfulfilled desires, I still held on. so I guess, its not time for me to start feeling like as if its alright to give up. but this time, Im not refering to you anymore. Im refering to myself.
I have wasted too much on you, you who never learnt how to appreciate my sincerity in helping you.
you are just like most people I know actually ; always thinking you've had the worst of it.
because just like everyone else, youre always so caught up in the fraction of the smallest shit that seemingly seem to tweak the balance of your emotions.
stop. and take a look at the big picture will you?
so here are my blunt thoughts for you. Im not tryin to be nice and reach out to you anymore.
well, wasted time and dashed hopes shall be a thing of the past.
moving on......

I hate this fact, but still, I'll always care for you.

2011-06-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

okay in the above pic, you can see my eye still had the inflammation thingy when this pic was taken.

anyways, so much for wanting to study today, I totally did not -.-

I woke up in the afternoon and that pretty much just left me slacking the whole day away. Nevermind, after this post, I shall start on something.

and oh right, that picture was taken on the day I was made to attend this english seminar conducted by the actual english o'level cambridge markers. It was kind of useful in a way, but I guess I pretty much dislike english teachers/markers.Maybe its just me but I find that english teachers / markers are all so sarcastic,and Im saying this in general, its almost like as if they revel in being sarcastic and cynical about "young" people's writing.

pfft, can't believe at the end of it all,they are the ones who are gonna give me the grade that will either make or break my future.

anyway, in case it isnt obvious enough, Im currently in a bad mood.

so I should better stop blogging before I start ranting on why Im so irritated and annoyed right now.

bye.

Unhearted, Unbroken

2011-06-19T03:55:00.000-07:00

HAPPY SIXTEENTH DUMBASS!
I hope you enjoyed your birthday celebration with us and yes, I'll be lovin' you long time <3
anyways, I've been busy with outings and all recently and I just realised ( okay actually I was kind of aware of it all along :P) that I have only one week left to my next prelims! here comes all the cramming again~

I've been thinking alot recently too.....
I think I've reached a point where Im kind of clear on what I want, but at the same time Im completely confused over some stuffs too.
and there are some feelings that I've been experiencing recently that really scares me, I don't know how to explain the incomprehensible mix of emotions I experience sometimes, and I don't how to explain why I do too but I just do and it affects my mood and state of emotions on a whole new level.
maybe Im just tired, tired of being tired.
I just want something tangible to hold on to. Im tired of things and life changing its course all the time.
Im tired of feeling like as if I could start trusting and giving my all and then.....I realise maybe I shouldn't.
I guess not everyone is going to appreciate the kindness and love you give them, and I just got to figure out who's worth it and whos not.

but I guess, putting apart the shitty emotions, this holidays have been going good so far. and Im just thankful, that I've got to spend some time with all my beloved friends and got to make some new ones. Im thankful, that I had the chance to have fun and enjoy myself :) because yes, normal school life is like A BIG FAT BORE -.- but now that I had my fun, I know, time to hit the books soon! I shouldn't be a disappointment anymore to those who believe in me, and I shouldn't be a loser anymore to those who put me down.
I hope you know too, that I really believe in you. so stop having such lowly expectations of yourself, I know you can do it :)
okay what a wordy post, shall end it off here! bai!

although I regret how we ended each time, but I'll never regret what we had.

I brought you my bullets, you brought me your love

2011-06-15T06:10:00.000-07:00

Just some pictures from camp above!

and yes, it does sucks that this is the last year I can attend this camp because its been just so much fun and fresh new experiences for me every single year since Ive been attending it :)

anyways,this shall not be a long blog post even though Im really in a very wordy mood now and feel like taking a plunge into my recent emotions and thoughts and blogging them all out here but....nevermind!

I have got loads of work on my hands to complete, just two more weeks left to June holidays :(

hopefully I'll spend it wisely and catch up on my studies butttt, hopefully there'll be enough time for me to go out too! hehe

I got a bulletproof heart
You got a hollow point smile
Me and your runaway scars,
Got a photograph dream on the getaway mile

xxx

2011-06-05T04:01:00.000-07:00

Find your love

2011-06-01T02:59:00.000-07:00

I love my friends♥

I cant believe five months has passed already. Everything really passed by too fast this year for me to even grasp on properly to whatever that has taken place or happened. ...Looking back into my archives on my computer, I found what I typed on the first day of 2011 ( or was it second....since I think I spent my first day at my class chalet lol) and I typed;

I want 2011 to be a year where lyf keeps moving forward, good or bad.

honestly, I don't know what I really meant when I typed that (haha) but I guess I meant that its a point of time like today,I should be telling myself to move forward with my life.so yesh, I shall treasure whatever few months I have left to 2011!

closure's never a easy thing to do, and I don't think I'll ever stop missing my friends and my secondary school life even after I fit in with my new life after secondary school. haha ok I know Im rambling but well, today's 1st june. start of a new month, and although its not the start of a new year but there a few things I would like to change about my life, judging from the past five months:and on top of that list is to start SLEEPING MORE, pay more attention in class,don't be broke,don't mess up my wardrobe so I don't have to waste ALOT OF TIME packing it up,and be a more responsible being for everything in my life.

okay, actually I tell myself pretty much the same thing every month.and no change has ever taken place even though I guess Im optimistic in the way that I never lose hope that one day I will change.

and so I will, this month :)

xxx

A beautiful mess

2011-05-30T03:44:00.000-07:00

It feels like barely six months ago that i sent her off at airport and now shes gonna be back!! omg, I cant wait to meet up with her and all my cca batch mates! I really do miss the earlier part of this year where we trained for syf together ;)

anyways, my chinese olevels ended today. uhh, I guess it was okay. shall not expect anything,that way I will not be disappointed right? just crossing my fingers for the best..

so whats new with my life is that I fainted on friday at my doorstep , yeah I know, what more of a joke can I be? hahaha but thanks to that, I didn't have to go school ;) and my eyelid had this inflammation thingy, so now its all swollen and pain and I have to be four-eyed for at least awhile! but at least Ive learned my lesson, don't overwear my contacts! although its terribly hard to quit my bad habit of wearin contacts for long hours but I'll really try, don't want anymore swollen eyelids :(

for now, I just wanna finish off all my three olevel skill 3 spas then I wont have to get a shit bout SPA anymore. I hate spa, in every single aspect of it man.

but actually right,and I know Im contradicting myself but I think spa skill 3 is quite cool ;)

alrights, hope this week will be good!

june holidays afterwards! although school is already takin up half of my holidays, but looking on the bright side of life, takin up half or not at all still beats a full school month.

better go do something productive now! bye!

if only you knew...and if only after you knew, you would understand how I feel, that would be one of the best thing that could ever happen to me :)

2011-05-26T01:09:00.000-07:00

Im so fucking disappointed. chinese olevels is just a mere few days away, and I know Im not gonna make it. The teachers return me work after work with a jarringly and abhorred grade on it.

I really need some encouragement now, but its also the silent fact that I know I need this that makes me even more disappointed with myself. Im a strong girl. of course, Im not one to say that just cuz youre strong, you can go round pretending like youre always fine when youre not, or pretend like as if you dun need love/ help/ concern whatever when you need it.

but still. I rather self rely on myself to not quit when the going gets tough than to use a few words from others just to push myself on.

and right now, I need to do that. I need to seal away the disappointment that I feel,every fucking day. I need to face the fear of screwing up my olevels and not be bothered by it. I need to give my all in this last bit. I need, but will I?

am I capable of doing that?

you reap what you sow, I've never forgot this sentence since the first time I've heard it when I was young and how much it impacted me. It is just a simple sentence, cliche even. but it is this sentence that pushes me on everytime I'm unsure, everytime I need some motivation.

and at this point, this sentence applies to my situation in a paradox.

Although I've worked hard at improvin my chinese standard, but there were way too many times I've slacked off this hard work that deserves to be consistent when it comes to a language subject.

so how can I honestly expect myself to pull out an A1 when my effort is not deserving of that?

and yet, Im still hoping that I can at least get an A2, I don't want to have to face my mom's disappointment anymore. I don't want to have to break the news to my mom that I couldn't do well enough for chinese. I don't want to have to face chinese teachers who will tell me encouraging words.I don't want to have to retake my chinese olevels.

sometimes I honestly do think that results should be based on how much sincerity a student has in doing well. yeah, I know -.-

ability is ability. and I do believe too that the student who has a greater ability in scoring a better grade also probably has more sincerity and desire to score well, else why she/he put in the effort to achieve desirable grades?

sigh. I really don't want to screw up my chinese olevels. It matters more than english to me actually.

Your heart's the moon

2011-05-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

leadership camp turned out so much better than last year! esp last night's supper with Karmei ^^

anyways I AM SUPER ANNOYED WITH MY LAPTOP WHICH IS BLOATED, CRACKED, SPOILT, LVING OFF THE DAMNIT BATTERY AND LITERALLY DYING -.-

okay I know I should be annoyed with msyelf instead for not taking batter care of my laptop but really, my laptop is just PISSING ME OFF. Lol, what a pain in the ass to upload all the overdued photos onto facebook when my laptop keeps refreshing every ten to fifteen seconds -.-

and wtf I cant even tag photos on facebook or transfer songs and photos to my phone!!

but nevermind, I shall be very patient and only get a new macbook after olevels. soooo from now to then, lets just pray my laptop doesn go into some hibernation state or just totally crash and die :P

okay off to catch more sleeps! eyebags go awayyyyyy!

Im addicted, wanna jump inside your love

2011-05-20T21:45:00.000-07:00

hahahaha! okay la I know the makeup wasn't very scary but the face crayon marker wasn't exactly easy to draw on my face too! Thankfully it wasn't hard to remove ^^

hehe was so fun scarin some of the juniors last night at camp!! :)

anyways, MY EXAMS HAVE FINALLY ENDED!!

It was really horrible and I predict this time, my results will be the worst in my entire life, no kid. But its okay, at this point I don't want to start getting alll upset over results. O'levels is only a mere few months away, so I should just tell myself to buck up and move on :)

also, I finally caught eight hours of sleep today, omgosh, sleep has never felt sooooo good.

thruout the three weeks into exams, I've only been catching 5 hours of sleep at most? not cuz Im up studying ( ha, I wished) but cuz Im watching tele to ease my stress as always! although some nights are spent chionging some subjects hahaha

./ There are really alot of times I've wished I could rewind the hands of time and go back to before, and I'll wouldnt make such promises of myself that I could never fulfill. I would just have done what I could for you in that moment, where I still could. cuz sometimes Im beginning to feel like giving up on you now is a better option; where Im no longer in that position to change things around for you, where after all this while you still don't understand my true intentions.....its startin to get tiring for me.

but I know I do owe you, alot.

I just hope you know too, that every step of the way, I had only ever wanted nothing but the best for you, that no matter how busy I am, you were always on the back of my mind. and that I've always wished so damn badly, that everything would be alright for you.

I only had the best intentions for you /.

what can you do when your good just isn't good enough?

2011-05-16T22:44:00.000-07:00

“

THERE COMES A POINT WHEN YOU JUST LOVE SOMEONE. NOT BECAUSE THEY’RE GOOD, OR BAD, OR ANYTHING REALLY. YOU JUST LOVE THEM. IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’LL BE TOGETHER FOREVER. IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU WON’T HURT EACH OTHER. IT JUST MEAN YOU LOVE THEM. SOMETIMES IN SPITE OF WHO THEY ARE, AND SOMETIMES BECAUSE OF WHO THEY ARE. AND YOU KNOW THAT THEY LOVE YOU, SOMETIMES BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE, AND SOMETIMES IN SPITE OF IT.

2011-05-15T00:12:00.000-07:00

shitttt,theres just SO MUCH to study! May the upcoming four papers be do-able :)

anyways, random but today such's sunny and awesome blossom sunday ^^

hehee I loveeeeee sundays that are bright and sunny :)

anyways, I was reading some article just now and it said that the most popular plastic surgery in Japan is bellybuttons and in korea its calf implants?! whoa, I didnt know these kinda of things can undergo plastic surgery. but hmmm, won't it be great if I could have nice beautiful legs? now I know why korean actresses have such great legs!! hahahaha

okay Im blogging crap, I know. but I need a break from all the cramming of biology ( which i do not understand) in to my brain. I don't understand why I cant understand biology too, but its like questions marks all over when I read the textbook.

okay la actually its just for one chapter, but that chapter is enough to fazzle me.

alright, I think I just took about an hour break :P so I better get back to studying! bye!

2011-05-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

Im tired of the doubts.

somedays Im one one end of the spectrum, ready to just give it all up with you. somedays, I tell myself to keep trying my best.

but at the end of it all, all I really want is an apology from you.

I know Im a horrible person, for constantly telling myself to move on and forgive you, when deep down all I really want is an apology.

but its that much that I need to hear from you, that youre sorry.

yea,and Im sorry too that Im not able to move on and pretend like as if nothing happened...

exams are H O R R I B L E, I wonder how Im gonna pass my o'levels actually. ahh wells, eight papers down, five more to go.

been in a super touchy mood these days too, its like someone just has to say something wrong and it"ll spark a flame in me already. and no I dont like it, I don't like getting irritated so easily but.....somehow I just keep getting irritated over the slightest things these days. ARGHH, life sucks now.

cant wait till my CHINESE OLEVELS and olevel spas end! then, that'll be the break from all the exams for me and maybe some time to catch up on all the subjects I so effortlessly couldnt give a damn bout last year -.-

in actual fact, I have so much welled up in me that I just feel like (literally) pouring my heart's content out here. but.... nevermind,there is ten chapters of bio waiting for me to memorise!

youre all that really matters

2011-04-25T02:29:00.000-07:00

Lessons are freaking dry! Even if Im not tired ( okay fine, I usually am) I can literally doze off during it. The teachers are not even teaching! But fine, shall not criticize any of my teachers hahaha. and yes,If i were to score badly for tests/exams, the fault definitely does lie with me.But just saying, they can at least make lessons a lil' more interesting?

come to think of it, don't even know why Im blogging. okay la, after exams, shall really do a good update on my life instead of making no-life posts like this ahaha,I know Im talking crap :P

somethings can't always be put into words. I know avoiding my feelings isn't what I should do....but when my feelings are so mixed up, I don't even want to start trying to figure things out. & the whole cycle repeats again; I only realise what I love when I lose it.

2011-04-20T06:44:00.000-07:00

Dance farewell today, and I really, really, couldn have felt more touched and loved! <3Didn't expect my juniors to do so much for us, the sweetest farewell I've seen in dance so far. I really will miss my juniors and dance as a cca itself!

spending three plus years in this cca, the memories I've had with this cca is just.....indelible and too many.. and I will definitely miss my batch mates A HELL LOT!

From the times we were just noobish sec ones who entered dance without really knowing anything to really bonding with each other, and watching how dance actually improved its reputation/standard over the years. I remeber in sec one we will just be slacking at one end of the pas,chatting our lives away. even though Im happy that dance isn't all that slack anymore, but its those days that I will miss too!

I miss training together for all the performances too and thank you guys for always helping me out with my dancing :)

plussss,all the times we ate together before/ after practices and the awesome, funny chats we will have. all the birthday surprises we came up with and all the outings we had and the things we do during them! I can still remember our very first outing together (which wasn't really a outing actually lol) but we took neoprints and ate at Macs HAHA ;)

being friends for so long, we literally saw the best and worst in each other, and even seen some people go (claudia :(! ,yeah we basically grew up with each other.

I don't regret anything in this cca, because every bit of the way has just been so awesome :)

won't forget every single performance, no matter how screwed up or great it was, the memories are just priceless.

and thank you guys too, for being there for me when I was at some of my lowest points in my life.Even if you guys may not know it, y'all put a smile on my face more than a few times,and constantly cheered me up and hear me out, without judging me at all. yesh, thanks for putting up with me! :)

I really love my batch mates <3<3<3

and I know I can never find this comfort I have with you guys in other people! :)

without you guys, my AHS life wouldn't be complete.

and even after all these years,I still never tire of the same jokes we share with each other or the things we talk about!

alright, I need to go study for my chi test now ( yeah like wth its 11pm and I have 25 chengyus and a entire gonghan to memorise -.-) but owells, today has been sucha happy day for me! ^^

also, midyears is nearing and I haven started studying AT ALL.

lets just hope I don't flunk mid years.

alright byebye!

and everytime you look my way, its like it all falls into place :)

xxx

What are words if they don't mean nothing to you

2011-04-11T03:25:00.000-07:00

aah, so much to study but really......just feeling like bloggin tonight.

stayed back in school today to study with friends! It was a super failed attempt but I'm sure it'll get better over time, when exams start to near and we all start feelin th urgency to S T U D Y.

School today was beyond boring too, but, at least I got chocxx to talk to in class to pass time in lessons. haha else I will be stoning away thruout lessons!

ohwells, at least Im not half zombie anymore, am making it a point to get at least six hours of sleep every night :)

will try to start studying for tests and all that too ( okay I know I have been saying that since forever but I MEAN it this time!) cuz yes, Im aware I don't have a perfect attitude towards my academics but, I will change :)

hey you, if only you could see just how beautiful and great you are. Don't do this to yourself. I know how it feels like to be all stuck in a world whereby nothing ever goes right and nothing really fulfills you, where you feel like you're a complete mess. but if only, you could see just how great you are, if only you could understand just how much I really want for you to be happy, perhaps you would try to change the way you think. don't be so consumed in your doom, it puts me down to see you like this too.

and sometimes, I just don't have the right words to say to you,but I hope you know tt I do really wanna see you be happy, I do really wanna be here for you.....

2011-04-06T06:19:00.000-07:00

awesome time at melsa house! <3

yeah, Happy 16th Melsa!

always the girl with the prettiest and brightest smile ^^

alright so I went home halfway today because my head was in thobbing pain,

went home and slept for god knows how many hours and when I woke up, my whole body was practically bathed in sweat with my head still throbbing away( like as if a vein in it burst or sth -.-)

but then, I saw mummy's cooked porridge on the table ^^

ate it and I feel so much better! haha my rememdy is literally my mummy's porridge lo :)

alright, once again I got a whole chunk of homework to complete...so I guess Im gonna go complete 'em all now...

hmmm, just saying, don't you just hate how time flies?

looking back at the past three months, everything is like a blur. days in school spent talking to friends, time after school at cca training for syf. Yeah that's my life on repeat for three months hahaha

well, no more cca for me now :(

and yeshh,I AM MISSING MY CCA MATES ALR !

haha okay la, better stop blogging crap here and go do some work :)

this time, for good.

p.s Happy Birthday zhuladine! No matter how busy you are, you never do forget me and you're always there to put a smile on my face at the least unexpected of times with your messages! :) love you :)

Tell me Goodbye

2011-03-31T07:59:00.000-07:00

syf is OVER!

truth be told, I don't know how I feel. I feel happy mixed with this melancholic kind of sad. It was supposed to be my best performance among all the performances I had with AH dance, since it is probably the last dance performance with AH dance but.....no it didn't turn out to be and yes, I feel disappointed with myself and at some point yesterday, I did want to burst into tears.

but, its over and so I shouldn't dwell on it :)

and yes, thanks all; who wished me good luck, asked me how it went, and basically everyone who spared a thought :)

alright so here it is, AH dance managed to clinch a SILVER

Im not super happy but Im contented :)

I know quite a number of people were aiming for gold, whereas I didn't really aim for anything.

but really, just to know that that dance was enough to get a silver is enough for me.

I know it sounds superficial,shallow whatever. But Im a sixteen year old girl too, and just like most girls out there.... I,too, wish I could be skinny :(

danceeeeeee

2011-03-29T09:26:00.000-07:00

no, all our practices won't go to waste, even though just a day before I was feeling like as if we wont be able to do it,but....I just know dance can do it la :) over this period of training together for syf, I somehow can feel a team spirit building up. The kind of team spirit I didn't feel before in the previous syf.

This is also gonna be my last time sharing the same stage with all these people, esp my batch mates and sometimes I still can't believe this day has arrived for me to perform the last time with AH DANCE.So, just gonna give it my all, don't wanna have any regrets after tomorrow's performance!

okay, gonna sleep now. have to wake up in bout four hours time!!

p.s Happy 16th Vans!Thank YOU for the friendship you've given me, my life would literally suck without you in it! LOVE YOU LONG TIME <3

maybe I should let you be the exception.....

Remember when,

2011-03-28T04:28:00.000-07:00

gahh, just not in good spirits these days. I do feel bad for showing attitude towards some people but, I gotta admit that I somehow don't feel all that apologetic either. I mean its not like as if Im taking it out on anyone to begin with....

sigh, syf is so soon. after seeing today's video of our dance I had entirely no mood to dance after that, when my dancing is so horrible, when the item is just not coming together, when dance is probably going to get bronze again, when working hard doesn't always reap rewards... am I thinking too much? I wanna be positive too, and usually I always am. but this time, I don't know....even when I'm giving my all, I know there's still so much more I can improve on.

and so much more just keeps me feeling like...as if things will never change for the better no matter the amount of time that passes; so much for wanting to maintain an indefatigable spirit,Im starting to feel like as if everything is just too much for me to handle.

if only, feelings don't carry so much weight on people.

on a side note, o'level spa tomorrow! Please,I beg of myself ( haha) NOT to screw this up.

lastly, although Im suddenly experiencing this gamut of shit feelings for syf, but I still know that AH DANCE can do it :D Im gonna give my all and nothing but my all, will always <3 dance! :)

I love you,

xxx.

2011-03-20T07:23:00.000-07:00

wtf school is reopening tomorrow! and I have totally wasted this march hols away, being caught up in cca and outings, I didn't really do any studying as I hoped to. no screw that, I didn't do any studying at all :/

the following two weeks are gonna real busy weeks too but its a new term, soooo I shall start it off properly. Will try my best to focus on nothing else but the important things that matters and STOP SPENDING MONEY!!!

my cash is quite literally flowing out.

okay, I need to chiong homework now, bye!

shouldn't be bothered anymore. really shouldn't...

but still. I wished things wouldn't have to be this way, I wished I could have held on tightly to you and never let you go.

xxx

2011-03-14T08:35:00.000-07:00

saw this pic on my com a few nights ago and I don't know why but somehow I just totally agree with the statement, what would happen if everyone cared?

somehow hearing about the news of the natural disaster taking place in Japan, I really felt affected this time.

Just look at the amount of damage that has been done in Japan in the above pictures, I can't imagine having that happen to my country tonight,tomorrow or ever. I can't imagine just losing it all in one day, all the things that made up my life. I can't imagine just losing my life like this.

and yet, I feel so helpless. apart from donating, what else is there that I can do? Hope for the best?

....

well, for whats it worth, at least this has made me treasure my life even more and made me feel even more fortunate.

and yes, 4E'11 class photo and a full class photo this time.

haha I think I have grown to love this class :)

sadly, the reason we took a class photo was because my ss teacher aint gonna teach us anymore. aah, I really liked her! and basically all other teachers who don't judge you or make assumptions based on your grades and what not lol.

alright! I should start uploading all the photos soon.

andddd, aft o'levels Imma get a new macBook ^^

my current macBook is in terrible condition, battery bloated and cracked -.-

It isn't what I want,but I know that...its the right thing to do :(

2011-03-11T05:15:00.000-08:00

Finally got my hands on my laptop! hahaha no school today but there was some Parent Teacher Thingy. Well, hearing all the various teachers' comments... some were really true. But its kind of what I've been hearing for my entire life too actually.

but anyhoo, I promise to be an attentive student from term 2 onwards and I will try my best to complete all assignments given to me :) I really mean it!

and Im so happy there's a one week break!! This term was quite enjoyable too though its been crazy busy but it is also what I believe to be the most stress free time of my life this year, apart from after O'levels!! haha

omg I just realised I have nothing much to blog about,

k la shall do a picture post soon! with all the overdue pictures all the way from last year!!!

and I shall end off this post with this pic!

smexy, whenever you do read this,SMILE okay? hehe.

sorry. for well, everything :(

Cuz the hardest part was leaving you

2011-03-02T07:58:00.000-08:00

this was during syf 2years ago...

just came back from syf rehearsal at the place itself! yes, I cannot believe 2years have passed already and nostalgia really did hit.

It was funny how the stage that time seemed massive to me but today,it even looked small and I had a shock when I realise it was the same stage I danced at 2years ago.

hmmm, but it was still somewhat fun ^^

though the feeling is just completely different this time.

gahh, tired! haven't really studied for tests..but yes, I'm really mentally and physically exhausted not just from cca but everything.

all I really want now is for everyone to be happy,not just with themselves,but with each other, only then can I be happy too.

and...I don't know.

I really want to handle everything in the best possible way,but its just so hard to do that.

sometimes doing the right things are the hardest.

I need to clear my mind a lil' bit...

one week left to march hols! shall tuck in early tonite and chiong study everything tomorrow.

bye!

Im rired of trying, tired of caring , where it concerns you.

there's only so much I can take. but, that doesn mean Im letting go.

just tired of....trying to hold on to something that is pretty much non-existent already.

but here I am, still rrying to salvage this relationship. Here I am, still trying not to destroy whatever's left.

dont make this so difficult for me, please.

Turn to you

2011-02-28T04:38:00.000-08:00

the day we all wore dresses out together for the first time! :)

am using my laptop cuz I needa type out some essay for english lol, but anyhoo, love having assignments online! so much nicer and easier to type than write considering everyone says like I write like Im murdering the table! hahaha yes, I use alot of strength when I write.

send my sissy off on sat! won't be seeing for a long time alr! ( ok la not THAT long but long enough). The past three months she's been here has really allowed me to realise why its always important to have a sibling. I love my sissy hehe <3

okay once again I have a shitload of work to complete and tons of (not so important) things to do, like getting a haircut? haha! so shan't waste time blogging here but in actual fact, there's nothing much for me to blog too hahaha

you still have the ability to make my day :)

Hold on

2011-02-14T04:41:00.000-08:00

yups this is to chocxxx whose turning SIXTEEN tmr! goshh cant believe how fast time flies, still rmb the very first convo I had with her in sec1!

yeahh and I can still vividly remember everything we've done, all the times spent at her house,

all the movies we've caught over the holidays till there was no more movies to catch,all the lame inside jokes we shared, all the pizza hut days,the gyming sessions which turned into dunno what sessions HAHA,the study sessions, the TRAIN THING( yes I can still laugh for hours over it!!),the "walking" period,rooftop night etc.etc! yeshh they've made the best memories!

oh and not to forget the past one year pluss spent sitting with you in class! :D

love you long time!!

on a side note, I have an ss test tmr which I havent really studied for and a stupid eng essay to complete.yeah,tests and work and everything else is just wearing me out and down.

Its really so hard commiting to my resolution of completing homework and studying properly for tests,and after really trying to do that for the past 1month, I have a newfound respect for people who are able to do that! I really don't know how some people can find so much time to study, or does the problem lie with me? hahaha but yeah Im constantly in a rush against time for everything -.-

stuck at crossroads once again...shld I just continue on with what we have?

don't wanna let you go...

Wrong

2011-02-11T04:46:00.000-08:00

k about one week that I havent use my laptop again! ^^

hahah but really, life is so busy, I simply have no time to even switch On my laptop.

oh wells, cca as usual is tiring,

and yes, I need to lose weight :(

sigh, I don't know what to blog here anymore.

but well, its just tonight that Im really feeling physically and mentally exhausted...

but I know now is not the time to start feeling tired and exhausted by all the shit in life.

oh well, at least cca today helped me forget all these :)

really can't believe Im gonna step down from cca so soon,gonna miss it all :(

I really can't take this anymore. out of everyone, you were the last person who I thought would do this to me.

but you did it anyway, and it hurts more than anyone has ever hurt me before.

I know I should never have believed that something that was never meant to be mine could've been mine.

and Im sorry, I promised myself not to blog about this matter and to stop getting affected by it. but I still can't help it, if I don't blog my emotions out here, I don't know what else to do anymore.

small in a big world

2011-02-05T09:33:00.000-08:00

school is starting in one day time, haizzzzzzz. who wants school?!

can't believe I used to be filled with euphoria when Mondays were nearing, and no that was not too long ago. prob about 2years ago I was still in love with going to school HAHA,

sobsss that school has just become such a pain in the ass now.

okey dokey aft cny, I must really, really, really, start being focused.

I keep getting caught up in so many things,

I need to learn how to put all these things aside and not get affected. YES i can do it hahahaha

nothing much to blog about, I have not been in a cinema in agesssss. once again, Im gonna miss all the movies that I wanna watch! hahah, whats new?on the bright side, glee season 2 started airing! hehee, I know Im a loser la because when Im feeling loser-ish, I watch Glee and it just brightens up my mood :)

Im sorry. I know Im really nothing much, but I promise I'll try my best to never let you down,I promise I will try my best to never make you cry over me. I promise I'll try my best to be the very best I can be, as you have always been doing that for me.

I mean these words.

I really should learn to stop complaining, even if I don't complain out loud, fact remains that in my heart I do complain about alot of things.

because I realised that I don't deserve this love given to me as I am such a horrid person but God loves me anyay, Thank You God.<3

2011-02-04T09:16:00.001-08:00

cny is super boring as usual, need to get my ass down to completing my homework too. My teacher personally told me to get my homework done by the time school reopens -.- like EXCUSE ME DONT I ALWAYS COMPLETE HOMEWORK hahahaha. okay la not always but most of the time plzz.

short post cuz Im gonna sleep soon! (kinda) cant wait for school to start,I think I have already comfortably fitted into the routine of sitting at the same place from last year till now with the the same partner (yes you Chocxx) for every single day:)

bye!

every word tonight that You told me, they really touched me at the bottom of my heart.

Im beyond thankful to have met you, really.

I feel like telling the whole world that, showing everyone just how amazing you are <3

Empty words

2011-02-02T07:22:00.000-08:00

omg this year cny celebration has got to be the most boring one in my entire 4years. hahaha even last year which I ponned for the second half part( means missing the entire performance) was much more fun than this year LOL.

alright I fell wayy much more sick and I finished up a whole packet of Halls sweet already but then again..... I ate all the chinese new year goodies just now even when my throat literally felt like there was a knife wedged in the middle so yeahh I asked for it:P cuz now my throat feels like there's ten knives cutting through -.-

if only I could explain how I really feel over this matter.

would anybody understand or not judge me?

Trying to chase a love that can never be found,

2011-02-01T05:08:00.000-08:00

This was during cny celebration last year, yes I can't belive that 1year has passed already and tomorrow is my last time celebratin cny in AHS awwww :( hahahaha

anyways, I fell sick ( thanks to a combination of things, inlcuding the stupid rainy weather)

and so I didn't go school today and caught 15 hours of sleep straight(ok I woke up alot of times in between CUZ I COULDN'T BREATHE AT ALL -.-)but yes,it felt awesome to have so much sleep in sucha long time! :)

also, I know its so lame but I really havent had so many people caring for me being sick in sucha long while.I srsly can't rmb the last time more than 2/3 people telling me to get well soon when I was sick but today I woke up and bam! a whole chunk of messages frm various people telling me to get well soon.Thanks peeps, made me feel better after reading them! :)

okk bye! may everyone's cny be enjoyable, and duhhh, including mine! ^^

Im not letting go of you anymore♥

Shattered

2011-01-29T08:09:00.000-08:00

yeah it does hurt , even though its been so long already.

yeah,even though I know the decision I made was right but it wasn't what I wanted. I made that decision because yes, I was afraid.

no in fact, I wonder if all the decisions I've made over this stupid fear of mine is worth it. and I admit, Im jealous when I see other people being able to be happy because they followed their heart.

It just sucks knowing I will be happier if I hadn't made all these foolish choices.

well,guess I just gotta stop thinking about all these. I know why I made that decision, because the only person being happy would be me while others will just get hurt. so Im aferall not that selfless... Im just Human. because at times I do wonder if it pays sacrificing for others and at times I just want it all to myself.

typing all that out feels better, OKAY I NEED TO START BEING FOCUSED hahahaha.

and I need sleep too, a nice long sleep :)

More things to say

2011-01-28T06:39:00.000-08:00

this is the first time Im using my laptop in one week? Should be about there :) hahaha okay la I know one week isn't a very long time but at least Im making an effort to cut down on all the xtra crap to focus on more important things ^^

anyhoo, in the blink of an eye, January has passed already. It has been really fastttt for me :( and no, I like slow months best!

so yeah, I have to start treasuring even more everything that I have with me now.A year later, I won't be having what I have now anymore.

and yes, syf is coming up! I don't know if getting myself hyped up for it is a good thing or bad thing. what if disappointment is waiting for me? but c'mon, I believe Dance can do it :)

two years ago, I was so determined to get what I want at the next syf. and through it all, I just know that the best thing that could come out of this cca for me and all my batch mates would be to achieve our goal for syf :)

I don't know if I can take losing you a second time. even if I sound desperate, I still have to say this; Please don't leave me no more...

2011-01-22T07:19:00.000-08:00

yes, I really miss you :(

what we once had is gone for good, I know. but Im still thankful for whatever we ever had, and all the shit we've been through together. love you long time <3

Take them all

2011-01-14T06:27:00.000-08:00

school sucks. Its not bad, its not stressful, its not tiring yet. But its boring me out :(

anyways, not in a good mood. In fact, I really wanted to just explode at alot of people today. but I didn't do that la lol.

Im trying my best to not get affected. In fact, Im not just trying, I've truly just got to a point where somedays I just don't care anymore. but today you really just did it in.and you left me feeling like as if I just don't matter to you anymore.

I don't even know how I should react or feel anymore....whats right? whats wrong?

I just keep trying to keep a smile on my face, and tell myself not to get affected by you.

yeah, I should try harder.

I don't know where to start studying! I want to study, but my sec3 foundation is so weak, I think I have to start from chapter one of every subject -.-

advice to myself: be more consistent in my work! slacking too much leads to my current screwed up state.

and though a big part of me is wanting to just hack it and continue slacking, but, no, its o'levels.

self discipline and determination :)

nothing I do can make Him love me more or less,

nothing He does or what anyone says can make me love Him more or less too.

everything was done so I would come <333

Miles Away

2011-01-13T08:47:00.000-08:00

I've just completed editing my social studies project(more like cut half of it away and redo) andddddd guess what, I've realised that I don't have my social studies teacher email after all. so much for rushing to edit it tonight just to send her through email -.-

Its 1am now and yeah I bet I will sleep throughout lessons tmr. But then again,Im still determined to pay attention during classes! and most importantly, I have been doing that since the first day of lessons :)

nothing much to blog about, school is just like school...

blogging is just like blogging...

omg what crap am I talking.

(it rhymes! hahaha wtf )

properly blog some other day lo.

If only you could just show me a little concern...becasue when I feel that whether I exist or not doesn't matter to you, it hurts.

If only, you could see things from my point of view, things would be alot different and better.

All or Nothing

2011-01-07T07:12:00.000-08:00

first 3 days of school were spent in Adam Khoo's workshop. Its great because I get 3 more days to complete my homework :P and I get to skip math tuition (th workshop is until 6 pm everyday)

and of cuz, the workshop really didn't turn like expected. It was funny, motivational, interactive etc. but I guess I still have to say, just not enough.

alright def not blaming the workshop,it is afterall the best out of any that I have ever attended in my lyf but the problem lies with me. No matter how much they tell me to believe in myself, I still can't forsee myself achieving my goals for O'levels...c'mon, there are so many out there that are striving triply hard as me to achieve probably the same or better goals as mine.....

well, whatever.

Im still gonna continue aiming high and work hard and take each day as a time hahaha

thinking too much about the real world and what exactly I wanna do just seems too scary for me, which is practically what my trainers have been trying to do for the past 3 days. but I just don't want to start sayings stuffs like, I'll be a doctor, I'll be a bla bla etc.

I will give my best in things I feel I should and yes, Im easily contented :)

kkk school starting properly soon! lyf gonna get busyyy soon! blog's gonna get dead soon!(or is it already dead?)

bye!

2011-01-02T00:15:00.000-08:00

just came back from chalet! haha it still freaking feels like 2010..okay in the sense that nothing feels different and Im totally not ready to go back to school.

anyway, chalet turned out to be pretty good :D

okays I think this blog should be on hiatus for awhile, cuz there's really too much to update/post/blog.....which I shouldn't be wasting my time on :P

bye!

I believe 2011 will be a great year :)

Sweet Deposition

2010-12-29T02:13:00.000-08:00

well figured I'd do a end-of-the-year post.

hmmm,to be honest I can't wait for 2011, I can't wait for that fresh start...yesh, this year was just horrible. I know every year has its ups and downs but somehow, this year just had more crap happening that hurt me really badly.

but nahh, Im not gonna dwell on it:) Everyone is gonna get real hurt at some point of time,experience lonely moments and have those times where they just feel empty and like as if life couldn't get worse.

up till now, I admit I still regret alot of deicisons I made throughout the year and I just wished I could go back and change everything. But then again...I think that given the same circumstances, I may have reacted differently knowing what I know now but my feelings would have still remained the same.

oh wells, my only resolution for 2011 is not to screw it up. I know that no one in the entire world wants to screw up their own lives but the funny thing is that at some point of time in my life this year,I really wanted to screw up my life...the irony? I succeeded hahaha

alright like the pic, I should just wash away all the hurt in 2010 and not fuck up 2011 :)

for I wouldn't have lived if it was not for You.

with all I am, I believe in You and your plan for my life.

When no one else can get through

2010-12-24T11:47:00.000-08:00

Spending Xmas with friends in the day and family in the night was just awesome :)

In fact I still can remember everything bout xmas last year really clearly...how me and Vans stole xmas cookies two times from the shop( haha that I will never forget! ), the photobooth thingy, the exchanging of gifts and met up with Nikko etc.

alright not in a good mood tonight tho the day was pretty good...

so will blog more soon la :)

Im just putting up a wall because I dont' want to get upset over this matter anymore.

but even if I don't get upset over this matter, Im still upset that it ever happened.

Im trying my best to move on, but that doesn mean that just cuz I want to,I can just do it so simply...

sighs.

-Happy Birthday Jesus <333-

I will be there,

2010-12-23T07:36:00.000-08:00

xmas eve tmr! and all I can think of is that 1) my homework is not completed and 2) the year is coming to an end :(

even though I really hate 2010 but somehow, I just don't want it to end.

probably cuz Im also really not ready for 2011....

anyhoo, in the past weeks I realise alot of things that I just never did see from the big picture.

I honestly don't regret anything this year but I won't be so foolish again.

Alot of things are just not worth wasting my effort,time or tears.

yeah, I wanna move on from all the mistakes I've made. Yeah it is my fault for allowing all these shit to happen, shouldn't have let anything start.

okay enough of self-reflection hahaha

thanks for always making me smile :)

2010-12-20T05:57:00.000-08:00

Today my sis got woken up due to the constant ringing of the doorbell by my tutor and woke me up -.- tuition sucks, homework sucks, pretty much everything sucks. I cant wait for cca trainings for cca showcase though :)

lazy to work hard for anything else,but I guess anything worth having doesn't come easy right?

gahh I've got so much to rant but I shall rant at my tumblr instead....I think Im gonna shut it down soon though and come back to blogging at this stupid blog.

chalet's coming soon.... I don't even know if I want to go. After the first chalet(which was pure awesome) I was so excited for the next one. But now Im just not sure if I want to go. Then again, I dont' want to spend New Year at that stupid party that my family goes to for the past two years,so chalet is a better choice I guess :)

Though I may be used to it but I sometimes really,really wish it wouldn't have to be this way. I wish I wouldn't always have to work my guts out just to prove it.

Stay

2010-12-16T07:50:00.000-08:00

I finally got more homework completed! haha Im just so proud of myself over such a dumb thing :)

but oh wells, when school reopends I wanna focus fully on my cca and not have to juggle uncompleted homework and hectic cca schedule, so must start working hard now. except that Im not studying... but at least Im putting in some effort to complete homework hehheh.

kk the days are really flying past me....wish time can slow down just a bit.

good things come to those who wait, better things come to those who work for it.

I think this line is so true, including stuff that most people don't think/feel you have to work for...I actually think we have to.

when it comes down to it, everything deserves some effort.

through everything you make me realise, nothing is gonna change how I feel for you, nothing.

You are the star across my sky

2010-12-15T08:08:00.000-08:00

this sentence literally applies to today.

I don't think anyone gets me quite as well as you guys <33333

hahah all that crap we talked bout today was just plain stupid but I couldn't have felt happier in you guys' company.

and because I don't say it as often as I really mean and want to, thanks for always being there thru my ups, my downs, my crazys,my tears, my moods, my achievements, my failures. yeah, everything lah! hahaha

yesh this post is dedicated to all my friends, but esp my BS :)

im being so corny for you guys so appreciate it! :P

anyway today I finally completed some homework with Chocx. Thanks babe! With you, I never fail to actually complete some work ;) and of cuz all the snacks you stuffed me up with! haha the dragon candy thingy was...memorable x)

kk this hols has been going good ever since my holiday overseas HAHA.

To me,just the way you are,cant be compared to anyone else.

You are my favourite mistake <3

2010-12-14T05:05:00.000-08:00

haiiii Im back in Sg..

and I enjoyed my holidays more than I expected I would. Then again, I rarely go on holidays so I really treasure every single holiday I had which can be counted with less than two hands hahaha.

but now its time to start doing my homework. Used to hack care holiday homework but like I said, I really want to start off 2011 properly.

just thinking bout 2011 makes me kinda nervous actually...

this year I keep thinking that whatever I did wrong, I won't repeat next year.But what if that is not possible? What if I still repeat my same mistakes ,which I have been for my whole freaking lyf? sigh.

guess as cliche as it sounds, with faith I can do it! ahahaha ;)

alright lyf is back to boring but its okay. Lyf's like that :P

bye!

shouldn't have wasted my time on you....

yeah I was dumb and a fool then. aint no more though, realise its just not worth it.

2010-12-08T08:47:00.000-08:00

Im going for my holiday tomorrow. Im not excited but Im just looking forward to it so much.

Since november till now, I have been sleeping about 3 to 4 am ( which I know is typical of the holidays) and waking up around 2pm everyday. I don't know why and I think Im probably the only person who feels this way, but I feel like life is meaningless leading that kind of routine.

and yet, I can't break out from it every.damn.holiday. plus if I don't go out I spend all my time using the computer...... I think Im really a loser who have big plans but little motivation hahaha

therefore the holiday is a break away from my dumb routine :)

There is a kind of hurt that no one else can help free you from but yourself. I think I need to do that. I need to let go of all the anger and hurt in me....and trust in God.

Let it go

2010-12-06T11:06:00.000-08:00

sometimes, I really don't realise what I have.

I guess Im just glad to be able to have what I've always wanted, and not having to deal with what other people constantly have to deal with.

but at the end of the year, I still always think to myself that I should learn to accept and love more for the coming year.

and sometimes I wonder if there will be a day where Im contented with how I am and how things are around me.

all I know right now is, I'm still not confident of not being affected even after going through everything and thinking that I will come out stronger but I so fuckin didn't. and Im just trying to take one day at a time but in fact, I really wish that Im more clearheaded at this point.

That I know exactly what it is I want.

I guess I just feel lonely tonight and what Im trying to say is, it's my fault.

Its all my fault for always trying to think that what Im doing is the best when yet I know it's not.

It's my fault for allowing anything to happen in the first place.

but next year shall be different :)

tho I still dunno what is it I want ( hahaha), but I do know that for the things I want I have to work hard and not lose faith. I have to be prepared to make sacrifices. I have to....appreciate what I have.

haiz this blog should be left to die...

I don't even know how to explain how I feel,not that I want to actually lol.

just feeling like blogging tonight and I bet this post sounds like Im talking in riddles....

you know you love someone when you feel it even before you say it.

Just a little

2010-12-05T08:03:00.000-08:00

gosh this holiday is a failure. I have not been doing anything productive except go out which is so typical of every dumb holiday I've had.

haiz why am I sucha failure? hahahaha

oh well, Im definitely not in the best of moods these past few days and for the first time, I really wish someone would just tell me to cheer up lol.

I used to think it was mostly my fault for being paranoid. but now I realise, yeah maybe I was being paranoid, but I wasn't being paranoid for just anybody given the same situation. I was paranoid only because this situation concerned you and I really don't want to lose you.

P.s Am looking forward to my holiday, overseas I mean hehe ^^

Gone

2010-11-28T22:56:00.000-08:00

I just created a tumblr and its so much nicer to post there because no one knows my tumblr add hohoho and I can type anything I want.

okay whatever Im stuck at home for the whole of today.

& Im feeling pathetic this hols, yeshh pathetic.

while everyone's working or on holidays, Im just passing by the days in my hols going out or staying at home. alright its the staying at home that kills.

gonna find something to do now....

I don't want to deny the fact anymore that we've grown apart.

but what can I do? I can't just throw away everything we ever had.

and I feel like my defence mechanism is fading away day by day. I don't know how long more I can pretend.

A little time always sets things right.

2010-11-22T06:33:00.000-08:00

haha blind bat me before I learnt how to wear contacts!

omgz my bangsssss days! hahaha, Im actually thinking of cutting bangs again :P

retarded me

This shot srsly got me! I look like a hamster/ chipmunk here hahaha

ooooo im so strong I could conquer the world...

queen of unglam Vans!!

The above shots are from past videos I was looking at just now. soooo candid right? never fail to put a huge dopish smile on my face when I watch all the crazy lame retarded videos I took with my fR!3nD$ in the past :)

okay I know this post is totally lame, but Im too lazy to update and I haven't been taking any pictures recently on outings. I think Im officially sick of seeing my face, so nope not in the mood for taking pictures anymore.

Anyhoo, on last sat,went to aiport to send dumbass and dopehead off for their vietnam cip trip! yesh, am missin' em alr!!!!

Got a job recently too but my mom didn't allow me to work it in the end. haha she'd rather I work at macs instead of that job. hmm, I don't know what to feel actually. that job requires lots of commitment, which Im not good at during the hols because I love going out or lazing around at home too much...then again, I finally landed myself a job and now I don't get to work it.

sighhs, guess you'll see me working at Macs in a bit ! hahaha

to end off, I don't know why I always feel like this during the hols; I can go out everyday and do tons and tons and tons of things but it just feels so empty, and meaningless. I think Im a school-sih kinda girl hehhehheh

Its like I couldn't ask for anything better

2010-11-14T06:52:00.000-08:00

yeaps ALPS has ended! woohoo my holidays are only starting NOW!

but thinking back ,ALPS wasn't all that untolerable actually. It was pretty much spent just slacking away time in school and at least we got to watch The Kite Runner during english, awesome movie there. & of cuz,Im gonna miss seeing my friend(ssss)!

but yeah, holidays are here and yes, its gonna be productive this time. & by this, I dun mean tons of outings like previous times when having productive holidays = tons of outings and shopping ! hahaha

I mean,doing things I've always wanted to do and doing things that I know I need to do too :)

anyhoo, today was a good Sunday.met up with Weitian Jie! loved the awesome chat with her.

and after chatting, I realised my viewpoints changed on certain things too.

its amazing what a simple chat can do :)

kkk will update soon before life gets busyyy.

P.s Is badly wanting a iphone4 considered materialistic? haha when it first came out,I was like; I would def choose iphone over iphone4,but I suddenly really want an iphone4! Shall I bargain with my mom ? Lol!

P.p.s ok totally random but in my opinion, tyler ward does amazing acoustic covers! pure talent he has :)

bye!

you mean more to me than you'll ever know.

Wanna give up but yet its worth the fight

2010-11-11T05:23:00.000-08:00

gonna study soon since there's a bio test tomorrow. and yes this ALPS was a total fail at paying attention in class or changing my attitude towards my academics. But its okay, there's next year to change, not too late eh? haha & just saying, I know its too early but Im already scared for next year! no Im not scared for actually sitting O'levels, Im just scared for all the mugging, all the stress, all the tests, all the everything that's awaiting me for my preparation towards O'level.

there's not much left to 2010...am I ready for 2011? hahaha

if it were just anybody else, I wouldn't be this hurt. if it were just anybody else, I would be able to pretend like as if none of it mattered. I keep telling myself to pretend that Im all okay, but I just can't do it. and the thought that I have to fake out my emotions in front of you scares me too.

can't you see? you mean everything to me...but.

well. typing it all out would make it too real. so please,even if you have to pretend, go ahead.

just give me something;,the slightest bit of reason for me to hold on. and I will.

No matter how hard it gets,this love will have no regrets.

2010-11-08T05:23:00.000-08:00

I like Today! There was some "amazing race" for physics lesson! Cca today was surprisingly good too. I think I have officially found the drive and enhusiasm for syf that I was earlier missing! I really wanna train hard for this syf. and Im hoping that if I really put in my all, I can get what I want. But yes I am aware that syf is all about teamwork. Then again,thats the whole point :) whatever the outcome,good or bad, we trained and performed together!

k next thing I need, find motivation to study! I seemingly can motivation for anything but studying...but then again, Im sure Im not the only one like this hahaha

Im.still.confused;over way too many things.My mind is literally flooded with thoughts.I need some advice, from a trustworthy person.

No love lost, No love found

2010-11-05T02:03:00.000-07:00

For a long time, I've always thought I've forgiven you.But I realise I hadn't after all. Truly forgiving you is when I think back on all the hurt and pain you've caused me and not feeling the slightest bit of hate/resentment for you.I can't deny that going through that period was really terrible for me. and to know that you caused all these upon me, I really hated you then. after everything was over, I still hated you. But yet I always said I put it behind me and moved on.

I tried. But the difference is that, I really did try. Not do.

well, I really am going to forgive. all that hate blinded me from so many things. it even made me turn my back on God for awhile. It made me questioned everything I thought that I was so sure of. More importantly, It made me unsure of who I really was and what was the one thing I always believed in.well tthrough 2010, I can only say, thank you God for eventually bringing me back to you. Losing my faith in you,and not daring to tell a soul about it... I experienced alone on a whole new level. But Im coming out of this crap and I don't want to hide it anymore. I really don't want to care anymore, don't wanna doubt anymore.

I'm just gonna believe in what I always believed in, love those I 've always loved :)

P.s k new template design and all! haha it's pretty screwed actually but shall just leave it like this for awhile at least. Been using that plain old white blogger design since forever so change is good, yes?

P.p.s I need to lose weight! should I keep a food diary? ( no Im not turning anorexic! I love eating lah)

and this is how it feels,

2010-11-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

zzz school is damn boring. I wanted to treat alps as the fresh new start but apparently I ended up dozing off in class -.-

I am not ready...for anything,really. Im not ready to push myself to work hard, Im not ready to accept reality, Im not ready to accept you into my life, Im not ready to accept changes.

I just used to know what I wanted so well and now Im just not sure of a damn thing.

I need people to stop telling me I can do so much better. I need * to stop making impossible demands of me. I need someone to just tell me Im fine being this utter failure/sucker/loser, whatever. Not all that you-have-greater-potential crap. sick of it. tired of it. and beginning to get angry with all this shit.

everybody is so fake nowadays.

ok whatever I didn't type this shit out for anybody to judge. today is actually a good day but Im still feeling angsty,can't be helped.

/edit/ kay so shit happens. guess I just have to accept it and move on :)

haha I should stop spending all my time on the laptop too,maybe going down for a swim or something soon....there's so much I wanna do this holidays! I just need money for 'em ^^ ok I am officially going to find a job, even if its working at Macs....I need the cash! because yes, I can't bring myself to spend my savings. am i a joke? hahaha, but still, you don't know how painful it was for me to save that sum of money..why spend it away? :P

bb peeps..tomorrow shall be The Fresh Start :D